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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Lost for the First Time

After the kids had a dentist appointment we had breakfast at McDonalds, then headed over to the mall.  I wanted to take a peek at Kohl's maternity clothes before I go buck wild at Macy's tomorrow.  I was browsing the clearance rack.  I had heard the Christian say something about the cool foot mats (the ones when you can tell your shoe size by finding the correct size foot after trying your little feet on all the other ones).  It was quiet.  Very quiet.  I walked over to the mat and they weren't there.  I walked around the whole shoe department.  Then the whole lingerie department.  Then the whole pajama and back to maternity departments.  Then I began to get very very nervous.  At least they're together I kept telling myself.  I threw my yet-to-be-purchased shorts down and started yelling Victoria over and over moving down the aisles fast and faster.  

All my priorities for the day shifted.  ALL  I wanted was my kids.

I could not find them.  

My mind started to run wild and I thought maybe they were close to the door and someone coaxed them out of the mall.  I was panting, lightheaded, dizzy and a bit nauseous.  I didn't know where else to look.  So I started to look for a worked to call security.

Then I heard over the intercom: Kelly please come to the jewelry counter.  I was near there and sprinted through the purses to find both kids behind the counter.  Christian was face was tear streaked, red faced and near hysterical.  Victoria was calmly talking with the employee.  We embraced and kissed and I was choked up saying thank you to the lady.  We had a long talk about what went wrong and how scared we all were.  

They've been glued to me ever since.  Very very scary.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Seven Months of Trying

While we were trying to get pregnant I would blog about it but didn't post any of them.  Not even Mark has seen these yet.  I'm so glad I documented my feelings during that seven month chapter of my life.  I'm so glad that chapter is over and the planning for Baby #3 is well under way.  Here are the blogs over the past 7 months beginning with the most recent. 


After seven months of trying to get pregnant we finally decided that if it didn't happen this month it wasn't going to happen.  Well, I decided that any way because this back and forth of waiting and wishing every month changing plans because of What If? was beginning to drive me crazy.  So when June came up negative (I didn't even take a test) I thought this is it and changed my mindset.  Went back to normal living and traveled and had a great time in July.

Then today thought, hmmm, maybe I should do a test just to be sure.  Within seconds bam!  The second line! 

My hands were shaking and my legs were literally weak and partially numb. 

Holy smokes! Just like they always say, when you least expect it!

Originally written on July 31st in the morning


Yesterday I was so convinced I was pregnant I made an appointment for a blood test.  After 17 tests came back negative, yet I'm 10 days late, I couldn't take it anymore.  I headed in to the clinic before my 9:20am appointment.  I was very nervous.  I met with a nice nurse gave my little plastic container of urine a - good luck - shake.  It came back negative.  Duh, I've been doing that for 17 days straight!  I need you to take my blood.  When I met with the actual doctor, the same man who delivered Victoria, he was convinced I was wrong and after explaining to me how fertility works (HELLO!!!! HAVE YOU MET MY TWO KIDS WHO I PLANNED THEIR BIRTHDAYS?!?!?)

I finally made it to the lab.

After three hours and two phone calls to them, finally they called.  It is, in fact, negative.
I was shocked.  I was stunned.  I was sad.  What the hell?  Maybe he was right.  I'm so stressed not only am I not pregnant, but I'm so stressed I can't even get my period.

I had it all planned out how we were going to tell my parents tomorrow.  We had it all planned out how we were going to hide an Easter Basket for Jeanne with gift in it letter her know.  I couldn't wait to buy Christian a Big Brother shirt.  I planned out how to handle the news at school and when to tell Victoria, since I knew she's want to share the news.

But nope.  Nada.  Nothing.  The oven is empty.

Originally written on March 22nd, 2012


Ok, little unconceived baby.  I know think you're in there.  I'm a week late.  I've been taking a test every day.  Today I actually took two.  Last month I was wrong, but I wasn't actually late.  I feel like I've had a couple signs that I haven't seen since 2005.  Not even with Christian's pregnancy.  This is getting so hard.  I wake up in the middle of the night and take a test at 3 or 4 am to take a test to have my hands shaking.  When it's negative I'm sad.  I try to shake it off and continue to think you're really there and you just don't want me to know yet.

It's tricky living this life where very few people know we're trying.  Thankfully I told Odelis about a month ago, so today I could go on and on about why in the world a test wouldn't come out positive.  I'm hoping since I splurged on a 5 pack today I will get lucky and get one positive tomorrow.

Just let me know you're in there little one!!!

Originally written on March 20, 2012


Dear Inconceived child,
Boy oh boy, are you anticipated.  Once we actually know you exist, I can't imagine what we're going to feel like!  Daddy and I talk about you several times a day.  We won't know if you're actually in my womb for the next few weeks.  Although, we've made another list of names for you boy or girl.  We just can't stop talking about you!

We're toying with the idea of heading off to Mexico over spring break.  If you're in my belly, I'd rather hang out at home.  If you're not, I'd rather escape - because most likely (hopefully) that will be my last chance in 2012.  Daddy and I really really love Mexico and I hate to miss a year.

But you're already worth it.

*Written on February 27, 2012


I'm surprised that after four tests in the last week and a half I found out today there really isn't a bun in the oven.  I'm surprised.  I'm really surprised.  The other two times we hit the jack pot the first month on both tries.  I will enjoy some beer this weekend guilt free and keep popping those prenatal vitamins and keep hitting the gym to try to drop some lbs. before the bun is really in there.  I will keep hoping a bun will be in the oven soon.

Written Feb. 17th, 2012


I couldn't wait any longer.  Even though I knew the test wasn't supposed to come up positive for at least another week.  I bought a two pack of EPT tests at Target today.  It was fate.  Some good semaratan left me a $3 coupon.  I couldn't wait to have Mark out of the house.  My heart was pounding while I took the test and waited the two minutes to find out...negative.  There's a chance, it's a false negative.  There's a chance I'm really not pregnant.  With Victoria, I took about 20 tests before I finally got a positive test.

I will continue to wait.  As patiently as I can.

*Written on February 4, 2012


Dear un/concieved child.

Now that your daddy and I have put in a significant effort I would be surprised if you're not a teeny tiny little seed.  However, I would be sooooo happy if you are.  Just because we got lucky the first month with your sister and brother doesn't mean we won't hit the jack pot this month.  In about 15 days I can take a test to see if you are there.  I can't wait!  Your test is secretly on my list for Walmart.  I think I'll buy three just so I know when you're finally there/here.

Today when I was brushing your big sister's teeth she said something about a baby.  I asked her if she'd like to have a baby in our family and she said, "Totally!"  When I asked her if she thought that would ever happen she said, "Nope." with a little sad face.

Even though you may not actually exist we all want  you to be a part of our family.

Love you already,
** originally written on Feb. 1 2012


Last year for our 6th wedding anniversary we spent a night at the Hinckley Casino and Spa.  The whole ride there, the overnight and the night back we discussed having a third child.  We decided we could have another baby.

I've always wanted to have a fall baby.  Mark and I both have fall birthdays and in school a fall birthday makes you one of the older kids of the grade.  A fall baby would need to be conceived Jan.-March.

We decided to wait a year and start trying in January or February 2012.

I've kept it to myself.  It began consume my thoughts on a daily basis I was so excited.

Finally, it's January and we're ready to make a baby.

On January 11, I took my last pill.

Hopefully in the next month or so we'll have some exciting news to share.

This is the most happy and calm I've felt in so long.  For a long time now I've felt we're missing one little person around here.  It's such an exciting time thinking of all the things we need to plan and the excitement.

Written on January 15, 2012 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A Little Chirp

Christian is eating cereal at the kitchen table and I'm sitting across from him while on my computer and I didn't notice the birds chirping.  He said, "Hey! I know what that bird is saying to me!  Glad you woke up! Glad you woke up!  Isn't that nice?"

Kids notice all the small things in life.  I love that about them.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Telling the Kids

Here's how we broke the news to our kids on July 31st.