Earlier today I wrote this:
I scheduled a cleaning for my teeth today at 1:00 a couple months ago when I realized today would be a work day. That way I didn't have to miss any school or find someone to watch the kids. I've always enjoyed going to the dentist. I've never had a bad experience at the dentist. I take very good care of my teeth and they always tell me that. I feel like I earn a little gold star and an A+ when I go.
I arrived at 12:58. As soon as I walked through the door I literally stopped dead in my tracks and thought, "Whoa, that smell is strong!" I checked in and sat down. In that short 60 seconds I was breathing so hard it was embarassing. I took out my phone to take my mind off of it. But, I knew it was happening, again.
Here's some background info. Two weeks after I had Brecken I drove myself to the ER when I has mastitis and had my one and only panic attack of my life. The nurse had to call Mark because she said I couldn't be alone. I chalked that up to: I had a brand spanking new baby to take care of and that first week was the most stress I've ever lived through and I may have a problem with hospitals now and forever. Time passed I didn't think anything of it. Until two weeks ago I picked Brecken up from daycare and he was wheezing really bad. The dr couldn't get him in so they said take him straight to Urgent Care. Mark came home from work to take care of the big kids and I went to Urgent Care. Not a thing bothered me about it. I wasn't upset. A little annoyed I would be "wasting" 2-3 hours of my life there, but it was necessary. To pass the time I took pictures of Brecken and myself and texted them to people. We played peek a boo with Kleenexes. Everything was completely fine. Until the dr washed his hands. As soon as I smelled that soap I started breathing heavy and he rolled over to us on his stool and started touching the baby. I started crying. Since I had a crying sick baby fussing on my lap the dr didn't seemed fazed at all. I thought I was going to have to have someone come and help me. I thought about calling several people. But as quick as it came, it went away. As soon as he left the room I was fine. I didn't even mention it to Mark. No big deal.
Back to the dentist today. The hygentist took me back right away and I couldn't even focus in what she was asking me because I was trying to control my breathing and didn't want to cry or pass out. All of which seemed to be very close to reality. She asked me twice if I was ok. I kept saying yes. Next thing I knew she was taking my blood pressure. Very strange at the dentist. It was good enough and she started cleaning my teeth and it kept getting worse and worse. I had tears streaming down my faces and I was struggling to breathe. It seemed every deep breath I took wasn't doing a thing.
Ultimately, I left without seeing the dentist. I had to get out of there. I was there less than 30 minutes and I'm pretty sure that lady will be telling the story of cleaning my teeth later tonight. She must think I am completely bizzarre!
The cold air felt amazing when I left. I just wanted to get back to school. I felt so sick and shaky when I walked into the building I was walking weird. By the time I got to Laura I was sobbing. It's been almost a year! How long with this go on for? I talked through it with her and Amanda and both are so supportive and had great insight in different ways. Even after that I called Mark at work and started bawling all over again.
My main concern is now, this happened twice in a short span, just a couple weeks. It seems to be getting worse. Will it happen again when I get my eyes checked on Thursday? Will I start worrying about it happening and then that will make it happen more often? It's embarrassing. It feels so out of control. I hate it. I don't know what to do about it.
Since then Brecken woke up screaming about 2.5 hours after I laid him down. He was on his back SCREAMING. Mark rolled him to his belly to see his reaction because it seemed like he was in pain. He couldn't/didn't put any pressure on his limbs. Didn't get on all fours. Didn't sit up. Just kept on screaming. It lasted about six minutes. He seemed out of it. I chalked it up to being woke after just a little bit of sleep. I was feeding him a bottle to try and calm him and down. It seemed to work for 15-20 seconds and then his right leg went stiff and he started screaming again. Another time he tried to suck his thumb and his fist was shaking back and forth in front of his face. It reminded me of Parkinson's. I was on the phone with the Baby Care Line. It was a terrible "conversation." Ultimately it ended up with, "A nurse will call you back within an hour and a half. If someone doesn't call you by then call us back." It was ridiculous. A minute or two after the phone call Brecken sat up on Mark's lap and smiled and it was over. He was fine. A few minutes later he was sleeping peacefully in his crib. We have an 8:15 appointment in the morning. The extra scary thing about this is: It's not the first time this has happened. A couple months ago I was at Mark's mom's house and Mark called super upset saying Brecken had a seizure and described exactly what happened tonight. Last time, I didn't see any of it and he was sleeping again before I got home.
Hopefully, we can get to the bottom of this and I can get through these appointments with any anxiety attacks!!